Sunday, May 26, 2013


“Pour un être conscient, exister consiste à changer, 
changer à se mûrir, se mûrir à se créer indéfiniment soi-même.” 


"For a conscious being, to exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to create oneself endlessly."

translation to self:

"it's okay.  You're gonna be okay."


I will not lie.
This spring has been hard.
I am really struggling with myself...
in all change of seasons it seems.
It's my MO, I hate to admit...

"the seasons change, and so do i"
somebody sang that.
I just don't know who...

Spring season here in Montana was cold and gray...
and I seemed to have rustled out of my usual hibernation
like a crocus or daffodil,
ready for the sunshine,
only to be hit with a spring montana snowstorm.
I'm  chalking it up to a growth spurt.

I feel a shift in me, 
in my work.
In my heart and the invisible line to my head.
And I am not sure what that means yet...
The things I always thought I wanted...
maybe I don't.

Babies are everywhere.
Rings on fingers are more apparent this year than most...
Homes are being purchased,
My friends are growing in their paths too.

Family is tugging at my heartstrings more than it ever has,
and 900 miles between me and them 
becomes harder to swallow every year.

And the hardest of it all...
I chose these things.
I set it up this way.

My 28th year seems to be about reflection,
and a hearty dose of reality.
This year is all about choices,
and how they mold you...
bind you or break you...
and honestly, I am scared.

about how those choices can break others.
Watching the people you love most
break because of you
is. so. hard.

and it breaks me too.


on a lighter note:
I've returned from a roadtrip.
In my world,
a roadtrip means freedom and space.
And plenty of time to think.
A quick cure-all for EVERYthing that ails.

From MT to WY to CO, 
to NE to IA,
and back.

with family.
a whole bunch of it.
A mother's day extravaganza,
to say the least.

And I really felt good in my car,
driving to a constant evolving *home*
either away from it, 
or closer to it.
The push and pull,
the rising of my heart in my throat,
the relief and agony of leaving one place,
to find that *THAT* feeling never goes away.
The relief, the agony...
that crazy push and pull.
I can't clear that funny lump in my throat,
even now as I type away.

I feel my *perspective* growing...
and my horizons broadening.
I feel strong.
And mostly, I feel like this maybe is just 
a page that isn't quite ready to turn yet.
I am happy, and in a good place,

And the road seems to cure all...
or at least remedy what ails ya'.
for now.

xo Erin